This article offers some very practical information for people who have experienced the recent death of a loved one.

There are no answers to the pain involved with grief. Information can be a powerful tool in coping with loss.

The most immediate response to the death of a loved one is shock. You may feel a numbness, a felling of being disassociated from your body, or a sense of not feeling that keeps the full awareness of the death in the background.

This shock may last for days or weeks and is a buffer so that you are not overwhelmed. It may seem that you are not reacting at all. You may respond in the following ways:

• Physical, mental and emotional numbness.
• Feeling of unreality.
• Hyperactivity.
• Disorganized thinking.
• Pain in the chest/heart.
• Outbursts of crying.
• Being passive - not crying.
• Thinking about not wanting to live.
• Shortness of breath / tightness of throat.

There is a wide range of responses to the death of a loved one. You are unique and your responses will be unique.

Funeral Planning

In the time of loss, making decisions about the way you choose to honour your loved one may be difficult. If the death is sudden and plans have not been made, you can still make appropriate choices. Planning may be painful, but the funeral is an important ritual acknowledging the life and death of your loved one. Important things to remember:

Support - The funeral or memorial service is an occasion for support and by your friends and community.

Children - Should you include them? Yes, if they are willing to participate. Grief is a family affair. Being included in the plans and attending the service will allow the children to express their feelings. Be honest and answer questions as they ask them. The fear of the unknown is greater than the known.

Family Meeting - Decide together the best way to honour your loved one.

Choices - Remember you have choices and options. In making decisions you gain some feeling of control in the situation. Some questions need to be addressed immediately:

• Do you want a funeral or memorial service?
• Where do you want to hold the service?
• What can you comfortably afford?
• Do you want burial or cremation?
• Will there be viewing or visitation?
• Do you want an open casket?
• Do you want to write the obituary?
• Who do want to write the eulogy?
• Do you want a memorial or flowers?
• What music would comfort you?

Viewing the Body - This can also help in the acceptance of the death. It is also a time of saying goodbye to your loved one. Viewing the body makes the death a reality and triggers open expression of grief. The viewing can be done in the days before the service, as well as at the service. Remember you do have choices.

Normal Reactions

When the numbness / shock wears off, you may experience the full impact and pain of your loss.

Emotional Reactions - You may feel any of the following: crying, anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, acute suffering, withdrawal, unresponsiveness, emptiness, hopelessness, despair, panic, depression, isolation, separation anxiety, deprivation, feelings of being overwhelmed, bitterness, self-pity, resentment, abandonment.

Physical Reactions - Your body may react to grief with: Numbness, tightness in the throat, difficulty in breathing, pain or tightness in chest, nausea, exhaustion, fatigue, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, blood pressure changes, blurred vision, headaches, weight loss / gain, decreased resistance to illness, glandular disturbances, lack of muscular strength, a feeling of emptiness, diarrhea / constipation, loss of interest in sex, dizziness, taking on the physical symptoms of the deceased.

Mental Reactions - As your mind attempts to take in your loss, you may experience confusion, decreased self-esteem, lack of concentration, denial, a sense of unreality, detachment, loss of control, insecurity, disorganized thinking, "if onlys" and regrets, hostility, unfairness of the situation, searching for the deceased, thinking you are going insane, thinking constantly of your loved one, thoughts of dying, dreams of the deceased.

Spiritual Reactions - In your need to find a meaning related to your loss you may feel anger at God, and a need to question "Why did this happen?" You may question, temporarily abandon or change your belief system or you may become more religious than in the past or search for answers or meaning in life / death.

These feelings and responses may come in waves of greater or lesser intensity and are normal experiences of grief.

Characteristic Changes

Because the death of a loved one affects you so deeply, you are changed by the experience. Some of these changes might include:

• You may have the capacity to perform certain functions but at a slower rate of speed.
• Concentration may be difficult.
• Changes in your values and beliefs may present problems for and with others.
• A change in your "self image" may require the encouragement of family and friends.
• You may have much less or more energy for work and activities.
• Your mood may shift over the slightest thing.

There may be a sense of hopelessness, that you aren't the same person, and that you will never be that way again.

Coping with Family and Friends

Friends and family may feel inadequate, and they may not know how to support you in your grief. How can you help them help you?

• Let them know that it is OK for you to talk about your loved one. Memories are precious and need to be shared.
• If someone offers to help, give them specific tasks for which you have no energy (i.e., errands, bringing in dinner, answering phones, etc.). A friend or neighbour can coordinate these tasks.
• If you have children, ask their friends or special adults in their lives to help you to support them.
• Let them know that you need someone to continue to listen to you, even though you may be retelling or repeating your story.
• Tell them you will need more calls after several months when the reality sets in and the loneliness begins.
• Try not to be embarrassed to cry, get angry or express your emotions with family and friends.

Your Needs

During this difficult time in your life, it may be helpful to realize some of the things you need most:

• Respect and dignity.
• Information.
• To consider options and make choices.
• Safety, but not necessarily "protection."
• To do all that you are capable or desiring of doing.
• To communicate about your loss.
• To have people physically present offering continuing support.
• Understanding the normalcy of the grief process.
• Distraction and an occasional chance to "get away."
• To focus on the experience of the loss and what it means in your life.
• To experience events unrelated to the loss
• To be around friends or people who know you and will accept whatever you are feeling.
• People available to you who affirm their faith in you.
• Contact people with a similar experience who can give you hope.
• To remember your personal strengths in previous difficult times.
• Love and affection.

Even with all the positive influences listed above, the time of grief is usually one of trying to overcome a loss in your life.

Outer Strength/ Inner Turmoil

You may seem to be functioning well on the outside, but feeling great distress on the inside. How can your feelings and actions be more consistent?

Depersonalization - You may feel that you live outside your body. Feeling detached from self and others is common during the grieving process. You may feel empty and disconnected - that you are a "shadow of your former self." Know that this conflict is normal.

Guilt - You may feel guilty. Grief often involves guilt. "If onlys" and "I should haves" may be swimming around in your head. Express your feelings, knowing that all relationships have their difficult moments and shortcomings. Forgive yourself and remember, too, the loving times.

Anger - You may be feeling anger at your loved one for dying and leaving you. You may know that this is unreasonable, but still feel anger. It is normal to feel at someone for dying, even if they had no control over dying. Honour your feelings and your needs and bring them out in the open by expressing them to a person that you feel understands you.

Positive Responses

As painful as your loss is, there are some things that will lead you in the direction of being able to appreciate again what life has to offer to you.

• Focus on the people who love you and need your love.
• Try not to please everyone.
• Notice the good and peaceful moments that you have.
• Bring a little comfort or joy to someone else's life.
• Remember your loved one in your own special ways.
• Set a goal that is new and interests you.
• Live each day with the awareness of all that your loved one, and others have given to you to enrich your life.

Redefining Roles & Relationships

When someone loves you, they are a mirror for you, reflecting back to you who you are. When that person dies, the mirror is broken and your self-image is shattered. One task of grieving is to create a new self-image. You will always be influenced by the effect of the relationship that you with your loved one.

Who Am I? - Your role changes when someone you love dies. You have lost a sense of who you are in the world. Others who care about you can help you gain confidence in yourself again.

Redefining - Changing your roles and your relationships is a slow and painful process. You may choose to keep some of your patterns and discard others if they are no longer useful and appropriate to your different way of being in the world. Eventually you can realize new strengths and resources within yourself and in other relationships.

Trust and Patience - Both of these are essential as you attempt to define your new course in life. Trust that you know what is good for you - remember:

• Try to be patient and gentle with yourself.
• There is no one way or right way to grieve.
• Don't judge yourself or compare your grief to others.
• You cannot bring your loved one back, but your life can become more meaningful because that person loved you.
• Try to accept and receive the caring and support that is available to you.

Reinvesting in Life

Because you have loved the person who died, you will, step by step, want to reinvest in life again. Reinvesting in life can be a sharing experience as well as a very individual process.

Some Ways of Reinvesting in Life:

• Look for new ways of being in the world.
• Physical exercise increases your energy and helps you to recover from depression.
• Write about your feelings and experiences. This will help to externalize your feelings. Keeping a journal can be helpful.
• Educate yourself about the grief process - the more you know, the more you will be able to help yourself.
• Find support groups for people with similar losses such as bereaved persons, widow groups, bereaved parents, etc. Sharing experiences helps you feel less alone.
• Reach out to help others - often, in helping others we also help ourselves.
• Establish new relationships.
• With the death of your loved one, your life has been irrevocably changed. The need to love and be loved continues. You can find ways of beginning to welcome life again.

"We are not guaranteed time, or a future. All that seems to be held in the promise of this life is that love will always be available to us, and that in the darkest most painful of times we will be sustained." - Marcia Lattanzi