High school age teens (mid-teens) are not often faced with the death of an immediate family member. Loss from a death may take the form of the death of a peer, an adult friend, teacher or even the parent of a friend. Coping with death is a complicated task for the teen and those around him.

Most of the literature focuses on helping the very young or on helping adults, but does not single out high school students as unique and, in many ways, they are. When a death occurs, adults are quick to be mindful of the effect on children. Young children, if given the opportunity, are usually more open to questions, thoughts and fears. Adults can form a helpful support system by being open, informative and caring. Many adults have learned to do this and there is much to be said on the subject.

Support for grieving adults is abundant, in the form of books, support groups and caring friends. This is not to say children and adults always get every support they need or desire. Grief is difficult in all circumstances and much gain has yet to be made to educate all ages.

Why then, address the needs of teens separately? Simply stated, because they are unique. Teens need an appropriate support system, guidance from adults and appropriate boundaries in which to do "grief work".

The lack of an appropriate support system during grief is the most pressing problem for teens. They are no longer seen as children to be sheltered from, or at least comforted about, the harsh realities of the unfairness of life. They ask to be "treated as adults". It is true, they are not taller versions of children. What they do lack, however, is a group of friends who have experience with grief.

When asked what single statement angers them the most, grieving teens say it is the phrase "I understand", from truly well meaning peers. In actuality, many teens have no basis for understanding. Death is confusing and out of place in the adolescent world, something to worry about later. Few have had a family member die. Most experiences are the result of a death that is in the "natural course" of events, i.e., an elderly relative.

There are, of course, exceptions. Oddly enough, even "experienced" teens are reluctant to offer themselves as support, for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Support groups can be most helpful. From support groups can come teens who can be effective peer counsellors. Being a support person can be a short term position, and probably should be. Importantly, the supporting teen must be able to recognize and state his own limitations. The adult involved - counsellor, parent, and other concerned adult can be a monitor without being directly involved. The major concern for the adult should be that the relationship between the teens is a healthy and helpful one.

Using groups and experienced teens to provide support system among peers are two valuable tools for adults. In some peer groups, however, there may not be help available in these forms. Education is much needed for all teens. One starting point is to look at articles aimed at adults and ask teens how they would respond, particularly what would they do differently. "How to" reading material is in short supply for this age group.

Although some are knowledgeable about social customs, local and universal, many are not. Some fear that they will not act appropriately at the funeral home. Others are concerned about what to say, or what not to say. Even details like what to wear are a concern. Adults can gently guide and suggest in all these areas, remembering to tell teens to do what they are comfortable doing.

Another concern teens express is what to do when a student returns to school after a death in the family. Again, assurances and suggestions from adults are helpful. If an "experienced" teen is available, call on his expertise and get him to help educate his peers. The grieving teen also has concerns. There is a need for comfort and understanding, often coupled with the seemingly contradictory need not to be singled out. Knowing the situation is going to be awkward is anxiety producing itself. Adults can help smooth the way by making the re-entry as informal as possible, saving comments to the teen for private, appropriate moments. Much can be conveyed without words. Adults, of course, must also do what is within their own comfort level.

As time passes, those around the grieving teen go back to their own routines, as they should. This is often confusing to the teen. Many mention that they were overwhelmed with friends and help when they were numb, but when the hurt really started "the grief work", no one understood or apparently cared. This is due, in part, to the inability of the teen to recognize and identify the problem and express his need to those willing to provide support.

This leads to a feeling of isolation. Because the feeling of being "the only one" is a normal part of adolescence, the loneliness is compounded by grief. Again the value of a group cannot be ignored. Groups provide the socialization that is an essential part of adolescence, with a focus on the immediate needs of the grieving teen. Modeling from adults is very helpful for teens, when it is available. Although individual therapy may be helpful to some teens, many are not ready or willing at this point to "talk to a stranger".

A difficult , if not impossible, task for parents and other concerned adults is the identification of behavior as part of the teen's response to loss or as part of what is viewed as unacceptable behavior. Rather than examining the behavior as belonging, or not belonging, to the grief process, the adult should focus on the acceptability of the behavior.

Even grieving teens need structure and boundaries. More important than behaviors. A recognition on the part of adults that some days are good and some are not, is imperative. Grief may seemingly come from nowhere. Some acknowledgment, but not necessarily action, is important to the teen.

The "stages" of Kubler-Ross's grief model - denial, anger, depression, and acceptance - are useful for study, provided the adult does not read too much into the behavior of the teen. Teens experience these emotions anyway, with or without the experience of a significant loss. Often adults ascribe meaning to behaviors without consulting the ten to see if their perceptions are accurate. Open, but gentle, communication is essential. Even so, one may not be able to label what belongs to grief and what is "normal". It may not even be necessary or desirable to do so. We are programmed to find an illness for every symptom and a cure for every illness. In actuality, recognizing and acknowledging the symptom may be sufficient.

There are, of course, times when the symptoms become so pronounced that attention is necessary. Ideally, the teen's support system should be educated about grief enough to know when intervention is necessary. Care should be taken not to use a sledge hammer when a gentle tap is called for. Start slowly, engaging the help of the teen if at all possible. Utilize all parts of the support system. Be willing to listen and consider options. Again, recognize that boundaries are appropriate.

There is no formula for helping teens grieve a loss or for helping teens understand grief. What is needed is a recognition that this is a difficult time, complicated by the addition of grief. Providing appropriate boundaries with open communication and understanding is essential. Teens should be encouraged to connect with peers and adults and to be open about fears and concerns. As with all life crises, grief can be an opportunity to grow and mature. With an understanding and strong support system, teens, like adults, can grow and mature through their grief.