To lose someone we love is one of life's most stressful events. During this time we are flooded with many difficult emotions and our life can be changed dramatically. It takes time to heal from such a loss. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way - each of us will respond differently to the loss of a loved one.

A number of people have tried to describe stages that a person goes through in trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. Arthur William Worden talks about four tasks of grief:

1) Accept the reality of the loss;
2) Experience the pain of the loss;
3) Adjust to the environment where the loved one is missing;
4) Re-invest in our outer world.

Dr. Colin Parkes talks about four phases of grief:

1) Disbelief,
2) Yearning,
3) Disorganization and despair,
4) Reorganization.

It is important to realize that the movement through these theoretical stages/phases does not happen in a stepwise, linear fashion. Some of the characteristics of one stage/phase may appear even after a person seems to have settled in another stage/phase. Everyone is different .

Some of the common thoughts and emotions that have been expressed by people moving through the grief process are:

• Feelings of numbness or shock. Many people describe it like being in a fog or sleepwalking through their daily activities. 
• A deep yearning to have our loved one back. Like we are searching for them at some deeper level. 
• Wishing and bargaining with a higher power for things to be different - "If only.... "
• Feelings of anger. The anger may be directed at a variety of targets - even the loved one who has passed away. Many people are embarrassed about having this emotion, but it is a normal part of the grieving process. It's important, however, not to get stuck on anger - you may need some support to recognize the anger, come to terms with it and move on. 
• Feelings of guilt. Many times people put an unrealistic burden of guilt on themselves following the death of a loved one - "If only I had ..."  Like anger, however, it's important not to get stuck on your feelings of guilt - you may need some support to come to terms with the feelings of guilt and to move on. 
• Intense emotional pain, despair, depression. These are normal emotions when faced with the death of a loved one. It's important, however, to recognize the warning signs that tell you that your depression is deepening and may require treatment.
• After a while feelings of having some emotional distance from the loss may appear. While the awareness of the loss is still present, it doesn't seem so intensely painful somehow. This doesn't mean that you have come to love the person any less, only that a scar has begun to form over the wound that was caused by the loss.
• Most people notice that lost energy begins to return and that they are able to find new directions and joy in life.

The names of the stages/phases are not what is important. What is important is that you understand that it's normal to have a variety of thoughts and emotions as you come to terms with the death of a loved one. Some of these thoughts and emotions may be new to you and, thus, frightening or unsettling. You may need to call on a wide variety of internal and external sources of strength as you find your way through the grief process. Several key things to keep in mind are:

• Be gentle with yourself.
• Don't compare yourself to others who have gone through the grief process.
• Reach out for support as required. You don't have to go through the process alone. 
• Strive for a balance between solitude and company - both can be beneficial.
• Find ways to express the feelings that you are having.
• While it will likely be the last thing on your mind, try to take care of your physical health. Proper nutrition, exercise and rest are very important. 
• If it seems right for you, find ways to access your spiritual strength and use creative rituals to help yourself heal. 

If you feel stuck in guilt, anger, despair or depression, seek professional help.
From: Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy, William Worden, Springer Publishing Co.