Let my pain be unacknowledged,
Let my wit resilient be,
Let him never know the difference,
His indifference made to me.
Dorothy C. Osborn (1891-1949)

"What did you expect? He was old!" "Be glad she's out of her suffering." "You were lucky to be together for so long." "At least you have other children."

These all too common responses to death leave us feeling misunderstood, isolated and understandably angry. Adults, who have been "disenfranchised" of their grief, hopefully will find places like the Crisis, Grief and Healing discussions page for support and compassion. Children often are disenfranchised in their grief as well, but they have fewer options. As noted child psychologist, Alan Wolfelt, has said, "Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve." Children, then, also need avenues for expression of their fears, sadness, guilt and anger. Their grief response will not "look" the same as an adult. They behave differently in terms of overt reactions. They may appear as though they are disinterested or don't understand the significance of what has happened.

A ten-year-old, upon being told that her mother would soon die from metastasis cancer, responded by asking, "When we go to dinner tonight, can I order extra pickles?" She was sending a message that she had "heard enough" for that moment. This child served as the family's "pressure release valve" and would frequently try to lift the mood when it became heavy. To someone unfamiliar with the grief of children, her reaction may have seemed uncaring, or that she did not understand what was being said. Children do grieve in their own way and in their own time.

When a child-centered, age-appropriate explanation and opportunity for commemoration and expression is absent, there may be adverse consequences. We regularly receive calls at the Resource Center from worried parents. Recently, a mother called to say that she was very concerned about her three year-old daughter. The child's grandmother died the previous month and the child did not participate in any of the commemorative rituals. The mother explained that she had consulted with the child's pediatrician, who told her that three year-olds are too young to go to attend, because three year-olds don't understand death. Since Grandmother's death, the little girl had been afraid to go to sleep, and when she did fall asleep she experienced nightmares. During the day she was uncharacteristically anxious and clingy.

Fortunately this child is remarkably resilient, as are most young children. The problem was corrected by offering simple, direct, child-centered, age-appropriate explanations. She was told what happens to the body upon death (it completely stops working, etc) and she was also given an explanation of the type of ritual that the family chose based on their religion and culture. She responded by sleeping well, having no more nightmares, and returning to her usual outgoing behavior.

While it is true that three year-olds don't understand that death is permanent, final and irreversible, they do understand that something terribly sad has happened. They will miss the presence of people who have died, and they will worry about the sadness they feel around them. Lying to children or hiding the truth increases their anxiety. You can't fool them-they are remarkably perceptive. When children (of any age) are not given a proper explanation, their incredible imaginations may create images of dead loved ones being buried alive, gasping for air and trying to claw out of the ground. In the case of cremation, they may imagine their loved one being burned alive and suffering horrifically.

One of the first workshops I attended regarding this issue began with the opening statement "Anyone old enough to die is old enough to go to a funeral." Participants gasped until the presenter went on to say, ".As long as they are properly prepared, and given the option- never forced- to attend." Children need to know not only what happens to the body upon death, they need an explanation of what happens to the spirit or the soul-based on a family's religion, spiritual and cultural beliefs. It is essential to offer a detailed description of everything they likely will see and experience. At least one responsible adult should be present to support the child during the funeral and any other rituals.

Children thrive when they are told what to expect and are allowed to participate in the commemoration of loved ones. At the Resource Center, as we're teaching children what they need to know, we ask them to draw or write a description of their favorite memory of the person who died. Children are wonderfully creative! They are demonstrative and open with their feelings when given opportunities for expression. They love to share their memories and place the pictures, stories, drawings and other items they've made, into the casket to be buried or cremated along with their loved one. It becomes a meaningful family bonding experience, rather than a dreaded, fear-ridden, no-you-can't-see-this-gory-stuff taboo.

When children and adults are encouraged to develop creative, personalized rituals, it helps us all to find comfort during sad times. Shakespeare said it best: "Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er fraught heart and bids it.break."

Karen Carney is the creator of the Grief Education and Support Series and the author of the Barklay and Eve Books Series a series of coloring books helping children to deal with grief.